Dear all,

I received an e-mail today from someone ranting on about cows udders and natural milk and all the unsavoury things of that sort. I couldn't possibly repeat their letter here since they were probably the worse for wear (whisky orientation wise) and they even suggested putting it in their tea, of all places.

Having said that, my husband used to put whisky in his tea, but he's dead now, God bless him, so it seems true that some habits do indeed die hard!

Some of the points made in the e-mail were highly relevant to today's culture and although I agree with most of the comments made, I cannot agree that women's jeans are a good idea, or that they make any sense at all – I wouldn't be seen dead in them, trampled by a milk herd or not – in fact, I feel they always have that look about them anyway!

Yours with fond effection

Aunty

PS

I like a nice cup of tea in the morning
For to start the day you see
And at half-past eleven
Well my idea of Heaven
is a nice cup of tea.
I like a nice cup of tea with my dinner
And a nice cup of tea with my tea
And when it's time for bed
There's a lot to be said
For a nice cup of tea.

Indeed!

19th March, 2007

Dear Antigony,

I am a Professor of Creative Grecian philosophy at Derby University and during a recent forage into the dark depths of the library archives I came across a document containing what was said to be a quotation by the great thinker, Plato. Since it regards tea I thought you might like to help me bring it to the attention of the world. It expounds the theory that: “He who mashes his tea long enough, makes fewer enemies”. This I think, constitutes a potentially valuable document in the history of tea.

Look forward to hearing your comments

Professor Hector D. Odyesseus
The upper dorm of the Debora Harry Hall of Residence.

Dear Professor Odyesseus,

According to the work of most scholars, it is generally agreed that tea did not enter Europe until 14th century, so I cannot believe that anyone had drunk tea during the early epoc you speak of, let alone mashed any. By ‘mashed’ I assume you are referring to the more common terminology ‘brewed’ and I therefore get the impression that you are from the North, probably Rotherham, or God forbid, Doncaster. Are there any Professors from that area, or are you, as I suspect, trying to perpetrate a hoax

Now although I believe your entire letter to be a sham I have decided to place it before the public in order to test its credibility and see if they can throw any light on it. Of course, one can never be too careful and if the document really exists, as you say it does, and it indeed originates from the hand of Plato, then your discovery could change the history of tea forever.

In support, I have to mention that Socrates himself made comment in one of his writings of the existence of an object he referred to as a ‘tea cosy’, which he described as more of a hat than a device for warming tea, but if this turns out to be corroborative evidence, not only would the academic world be in awe of your achievement in making the discovery, you would also be the darling of the printing trade, who would then have the task of printing all those history books again at great cost. I often think that this is the reason why there are no really radically new discoveries made these days – people just don’t want to rock the boat – or rock the ‘Noah’s Ark’ at any rate.

Plato, aside, if you really want the name of a good philosopher I can thoroughly recommend Jean Paul Sartre, he does all my philosophy for me and he is very good indeed. “Hell is other people” is one of his more famous and accurate dictums, just to give one fine example.

Regards, your very Aunt Agony (not Antigony)

Dear Aunt,

I was born in the year 1887, when I accidentally fell into an ice cream maker and thus I have been frozen for the last 120 years. I have just been thawed out and shock horror! How much of Matlock Bath has changed! I have learned that it is no longer on the Derby-Buxton Mainline, the Royal Hotel has been demolished along with the glass pavilion. And whatever happened to Mary Whittaker's mineral water works where I used to work! Good lord! I hope one can still get a good splash of tea.......

Yours chillingly
Mr Ragglesworthington

Dear Mr Ragglesworthington,

Thank you for your e-mail. They had an ice cream maker like that at the Victorian Teashop, but they got rid of it because of the perennial staff shortage it created – having part time staff is one thing, putting them on ice, quite literally, is another! The person who owns the Teashop (or thinks he does) sold the ice cream maker on Ebay – so whoever bought the device, thinking they’d got a bargain, actually received more than they bargained for! I just hope the world has changed significantly for the better when those poor souls defrost and awaken in years to come.

Speaking of waking up to a changed Matlock Bath – I just hope those silly billies at the Council wake up to the fact that Matlock Bath represents a wasted opportunity that any council in the country would be happy to have within their control.

Having said that, I suppose the Victorian Teashop and one or two other new venues in the village have made a difference lately, and I’m sure the Teashop staff can provide the decent ‘splash of tea’ you speak of, if not the 'Monaco of Derbyshire' Matlock Bath deserves to be – speaking of ‘speaking of’ tea, I’m off to put the kettle on. Those people in the teashop never bring me one.

Yours always Aunt Agony

PS I will publish your letter in my column on the Teashop website, if that’s okay with you. You should feel honoured, I usually publish most of my correspondence in the bin.

Dear Aunt,

I am in need of your services. In hope of solace I have been reading the lovely ‘tea quotations’ on your charming new “All about Tea” website and although I find them comforting, and there is no doubt that tea is a great healer, I am currently depressed, discouraged, despondent, disinterested, disgusted, disorganized, disgruntled, disaffected and undisciplined and in short, I am beyond tea! Can you help?

Raymond Dawkins

Dear Raymond,

Don’t be a silly-billy; no one is beyond tea. Put the kettle on and if necessary, try a ‘Disprin’ – just the one though!

Aunty is thinking of you...

(our 'All About Tea' sister site is at: www.victorianteashop.co.uk)

Dear Aunt Agony,

Was I too forward in starting one’s Christmas shopping in November? I've got nothing to do now.

Yours in anticipation, Ruby Delacroix.

Dear Ms Delacroix,

I always begin the hunt for Christmas presents as soon as the Autumn Equinox has passed, but here’s my tip, why go to the shops and spend money when you can just root through your cupboards and dig out all the old stuff you don’t need anymore. You’ll only get a few pence for it anyway at the car boot sale and you’d also have to stand around in the cold with all those desperados.

Think what Christmas joy your old junk can bring to all those people you used to call friends – it brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘cupboard love’.

A Very Merry Christmas

Aunt Agony

PS A word of warning. When it comes to relatives, you’ll probably have to buy them something because they may well have bought some of your cupboard junk for you anyway and you could end up giving something back to the same person who gave it to you in the first place – worse, if they use the same ‘cupboard retrieval’ technique as you employ, you could end up passing things back and forth for years. Friends are difficult enough to find presents for and it does spoil Christmas and make it seem so unfair having to waste time looking, but relations aren’t even friends anyway, there’re just people we’re stuck with, which makes it all the more unpleasant.

Enjoy

Dear... Whoever?

You are clearly mistaken, the scribble you sent in bears no resemblance to me, whatsoever! For a start I would never use such down-market crockery, let alone a common tea tray made from tin. The outfit the woman is wearing, who ever she is, would never suit my delicate complexion and I would never pose in front of a yellow background.

I think if all that has not clearly dispelled your erroneous and perhaps malicious claims, I have had my publisher reproduce my real likeness once again in the margin.

Yours Aunt in Agony

Dear Ms Agony,

I recently bought a wide screen television and sat down with a nice cup of tea to watch it. Why is it that the movies they show are still miles wider than the wide screen? Not only that, normal TV is expanded and just makes everyone look fat!

Yours truly disgruntled of Knightbridge

Dear Truly Disgruntled,

I know exactly what you mean. Watching wide screen TV is like looking through a letter box – not my idea of comfort at all. I find it rather like drinking a nice cup of tea from one of those excessively large mugs they give you in some of the poorer quality teashops you find in shopping malls. Give me a nice cup and saucer and my old 14 inch Bush anytime.

I also take your point about the stretching effect on normal television. I feel most sorry for people like David Dickinson and that nice man Mr Elton John who obviously do their utmost to look trim and then the telly spoils it all for them. Think of the ridicule that nice little chap Jamie Oliver has to go through at school!

It's tough on people like Posh Spice too – looking like a stick next to David Beckham in OK magazine is one thing, appearing on the lottery show on BBC1 is quite another. "That Extra Half an Inch", I think not – it's the extra three inches she should worry about. Is all that slimming and dieting worth it? She'd be better off reforming the spice girls and standing adjacent to Emma Bunton.

Just think yourself lucky you're not interesting enough to warrant being on television. I know they say it adds five pounds, but it's more like two stone now.

Yours Aunt agony.

(Note from the designer: Aunt Agony is just jealous. I think Emma Bunton is fabulous and I wouldn't redesign her for the world)

Dear old Aunt Agony,

I believe my husband is taking tea with another woman. I found stains on his 'trouser' and he came home smelling of Darjeeling. Should I change my brand of tea. We have been together for twenty-three years and he has never strayed before.

Yours, with hope in my heart, Evette.

Dear Evette,

Do not worry in the slightest about the possibility of your husband having tea with another women. These things pass and if he has been happy with you and your brand of tea for over twenty years I should say that it seems just a fad. With luck, she may well take sugar and he will then immediately spot trouble ahead and return home with his tail firmly between his legs.

Your real worry is the tea-stained 'trouser', which can be very bothersome indeed. Try dabbing the trouser with a little warm water with a salt solution and everything should come out fine. Dab them with your husband still in them for a speedier remedy to your dilemma.

Yours with affection, Aunty.

I have it on good authority, from no less a personage than Sir John Betjeman, that my Monty has been seen with a 'very ordinary little woman', sitting in the ingle-nook of a Bath Teashop. What am I to do?

best wishes and praying for the return of sanity.

Beth from Bath.

Dear Beth,

This one particularly worries me because I do rather think you are heading for a breakdown. Having said that, paraphrasing your fears of betrayal with poems and literature is quite common. I should just be thankful that you have picked a very short poem to paraphrase as this may indicate a short affair is on the cards and pray to God that your husband is not a 'thumping crook' after all.

I was in a Bath teashop once and in a ingle-nook, and I can tell you that it is not the experience it is all cracked up to be – especially with the ever present threat of a soot fall or worse. "Little lower than Angles"? I think not!

Yours with affection, Aunty.

*For those of you with little or no literary knowledge I shall get my webmastermistress or webwoman or whatever to print out Betjeman's original poem on this page. I can only add that I am so very glad that it was not in a 'Matlock Bath' Teashop. The enormity of the scandal would have forced one to leave the country.

Aunt Agony!

Why aren't teashops ever open at tea time? Either that or they're just closing when I arrive!

Yours sincerely an irate tea lover.

Dear Irate tea lover,

I know the feeling well. There is no disappointment greater than that of missing the opportunity to sit and linger over a good cup of tea and have a chin wag at the appropriate time of day. However, it must be remembered that tea time in England is strictly at 4.00pm and people do make the mistake of turning up at five past.

At the Victorian Teashop in Matlock Bath the owners do try to stay open while 5.30pm or even beyond 6.00pm very occasionally, but at that time it has to be remembered that they are then forced to endure the nightmarish sight of people walking past stuffing fish and chips into their mouths without the slightest regard for their palate and what vinegar may do to spoil the taste of a good darjeeling. There seems little hope of a change until perhaps that nice little cook Jamie Oliver gets through to them that chips are not quite the health food they were once made out to be.

In recent years the streets have become swollen with more and more scenes of 'pigging out' I think they call it, but I do feel sorry for these people who have quite obviously grown too fat to eat indoors. I hear that special help is being offered to them at places all over the country where you see the sign 'take-a-way'. I have seen it a great deal myself lately, so it's good to know that help it at hand for these poor wretches. My advice to you is to go home, draw the blinds and pour yourself a nice cup of refreshing tea.

Yours with affection, Aunty.

Dear Aunt,

I visited a teashop in Herefordshire the other day and was shocked to find that they also sold coffee. I was horrified. I hope you can help in some way.

Yours sincerely, Shocked of Reading.

Dear Shocked but not forgotton,

If I was from Reading or had to live anywhere near the place I would be in shock too – but enough of my hates and fears. Let's deal with yours.

Please relax at once. Take a deep breath, because what I have to tell you is quite disturbing. You will be shocked again no doubt to find out that the owners of The Victorian Teashop in Matlock Bath also serve coffee. Not only that, they offer it in all sorts of trumped up guises such as cappuccino, latte and espresso – they even sell instant! What's the world coming to?

Worse than this though, some people come in and actually ask for coffee!

Thankfully there are still some discerning folk about though because some, unsure as to whether a 'teashop' sells coffee, check first, much to the disgruntlement of the owners who are usually unnecessarily abrupt with them, mumbling something like: "Of course we effing do you nerd". These poor people, having found out that it is not a fully fledged teashop that stands bravely by its flagship product, leave immediately in disgust and good for them I say!

Always yours Aunt